My Friday Five

1. Books. I'm currently reading something a bit more lighthearted...

I love his No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency series (which has a new book coming out in October - woo hoo!). So, I thought it would be fun to give his latest book a read. It's about a matchmaking company in Edinburgh - should be a treat to read. 

2.  TV shows. I watched the last reunion episode for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and it was a bust. Nothing major was revealed. The only surprise was that Sutton and Garcelle left early - this was due to Sutton almost fainting (how scary!) and needing to get checked out at the hospital. I feel like they need to revamp the show - new cast members are needed and some of the current cast should be put on pause. 

3. Decluttering. It's not going well. I need to just force myself to do it. Why is it so hard? If I'm not using it or haven't used it in years, why am I convinced I need to keep it? Ugh!

4. Music. Listening to Mazzy Star, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins lately. I'm feeling nostalgic and music from my college years is hitting the spot. 

5. Anxiety and depression. They're back and settled in. I'm hating it. I'm working hard to fight them. Wish me luck.

And now, I'm off to read for a bit. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Happy reading!

My Friday Five...

1.  Books.  My TBR pile has grown exponentially. I can't seem to stop buying books. I am addicted and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I just love discovering new-to-me authors, or collecting new editions of my favorite reads. The only problem is where to put them all. Talk about bookish worries. By the by, here are some of my new reads:

2. TV.  It's all about the Housewives lately. I need silly and ridiculous TV to distract me from the ugliness happening all around. So, Beverly Hills and New York City to the rescue. 

3. Planners.  I have fallen down the planner rabbit hole on IG and Youtube. Paper and Cloth, Filofax, Hobonichi, Midori, and The Happy Planner. So many choices...ack! I love the variety, but I'm having a hard time choosing what will work for me next year. #distractions

4.  Music.  Stevie Wonder's greatest hits are on repeat lately. I am just in that kind of mood, where only old school music will soothe my frazzled mind. 

5.  Anxiety. Yep, my anxiety is back and in full force. Depression is nearby and pays the occasional visit. I'm working hard to not let either one dominate my life. It's not easy, but I am having more 'good' days lately. 'Good' meaning no panic attacks, or anxiety-riddled thoughts on repeat in my brain.  There's just so much to worry about and stress out over lately, that life just seems harder than usual. I'm sure we all feel that way. How can we not, right? I try to dig deep and remind myself that I can do hard things - of course, I have to remind myself over and over, but whatever works, right?

And now, I'm off to watch more planner videos and figure out how I want to change the setup in my office. Hope you all have a great weekend! Happy reading!!

An Update on My Anxiety/Depression...

Anxiety and depression are still something I battle daily.  Some days are better than others, but isn't that life in general? I'm going to see a therapist much more frequently now and I really do think its helping. I feel like its helped me to clear my mind a bit more and to gain some focus and perspective about things. Also, I'm really leaning into positivity lately - like, the notion that a new year brings new beginnings. I'm all about that.  I really do feel like 2019 is going to be a good one - the vibes are just filled with hope and optimism.  Plus, its the year of the pig and that means prosperity. So, here's to a prosperous New Year for us all. I'm actually going to copy Patti Smith and tag the prosperity to mean mental prosperity. She wrote that on her IG post and I really loved it.

I saw my therapist yesterday. She told me that I am making progress and that she believes in me. I have to be honest, I really appreciated hearing that. Some days I feel like I am making progress, while other days when the anxiety is relentless I feel like I am falling behind once more. Before, the anxiety would overwhelm me, my thoughts would spiral, my heart beat erratically, I felt nauseated, and it was just horrible.  Now, I am aware of the anxiety creeping in, I lean into it for just a few minutes and then I tell it to take a hike. I actually talk to it and tell it that it is unwarranted and that I am not going to let it win.  I take a breath (or five) and then move on.  I push and push it aside and move on.  Some times its easier said than done, but lately it gets done. And I am so grateful for that.

I'm still working on building up my confidence and nixing all those insecurities that hound me. I really do believe that those are the root causes to my anxiety and depression. So, I've decided to write.  I am writing in my gratitude journal (daily), I am writing in my personal journal (chock full of the good, the bad, and the ugly), I am writing in my creative journal (quotes, poems, song lyrics) to keep me inspired, and I am writing in my memory journal (something to keep old/new memories in - things I don't want to forget).  I'm also trying to post more on my book blog - at least 2-3 times a week.  Oh, and I am planning on writing creatively. I've always wanted to write a book of short stories and a short novel, so here goes, right? Might as well go for it. Especially, since I've been feeling inspired lately - I'm editing short fiction and the stories that come in have just been so much fun to read through, I can't help but want to write my own now. 

Therapy, writing, and the articles on Tiny Buddha are really helping me make strides with my anxiety and depression.  I am hooked on the site and love getting their emails with new-to-me articles to read. I know that its going to take time to feel completely better again, but I know one day it will happen. I also know that I'm not the same person anymore. Having to deal with all of this has really made an impression on me. Its opened my mind up so much more than it already was. Its like Glennon Doyle says about being shattered and letting yourself die so that you can embrace the new you.  I didn't understand what she meant before, but now I do.

Thanks for reading and understanding my need to share these posts with you. 

My Anxiety and Depression...

rear their ugly heads once again.  I had noticed them both creeping up on me, seeping into my daily life slowly and methodically, until they were overwhelming me once again. Ugh. I hate how I feel when I let these two get the better of me. I don't even know how it happens, it just does. And when it happens, I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to read.  I just get lost thinking about nothing or everything. My anxiety blossoms and I start second guessing myself to the point where I question everyone and everything and do absolutely nothing. Its frustrating and exhausting. And, its hard to push myself out of this funk.  But, I push and push until I slowly start to feel like myself again. 

Right now, I'm pushing and pushing. I'm going to the gym (even though I still hate to), because it makes me feel better. I'm watching old shows (Seinfeld), because they make me laugh.  I'm spending time with my family, because LOVE is the best medicine.  I'm reading daily devotionals from Joel Osteen, because they always seem to encapsulate what I'm feeling/struggling with and encourage positive thinking.  Like today, I opened my emails and this is what he wrote about:

"No matter what you are facing today, know this: you are not alone, and you are just walking through. You don’t have to stop and live in the tough times. They are only temporary. I encourage you today; don’t allow fear to paralyze you in the middle of “the valley of the shadow of death.” Remember, God is with you. He is walking beside you. He is strengthening you. He is making a way of escape for you. He is lining up people and situations to bring you out of that tough place into a place of strength and victory. Don’t give up! Press on and walk through!"

How fitting is that!?! I'm not trying to push religion, but I had to share this.  I wanted to show what I meant when I wrote that his devotionals seem to be so spot on with how I'm feeling.  After reading today's devotional I realized how right he was - my anxiety and depression are temporary; I'm not alone; and I will get out of this funk. Talk about a positive push!

And that positivity helps.  It encourages me even more.  I know that dealing with anxiety and depression isn't easy.  I know that pushing myself out of this funk is hard.  But I know that I can push myself out of it.  I know that I can beat my anxiety and depression. I know that it will take time and strength, but I know that I will do it.  These funks of mine come and go.  My doctor has suggested medications, but I've declined.  She pushes me to talk about how I feel and encourages me to work out (those endorphins will help she tells me).  So, don't worry, I am not dealing with this alone.

I just wanted to share how I've been feeling as of late, because I've been a bit absent on my blog.  And, I know that I'm not alone when it comes to anxiety and depression.  I wanted to share, so that others can feel free to share, too. 

A Personal Post...

I'm not one to write personal posts on my blog. I share bits and bobs once in awhile, but I don't really give everything away.  I hadn't planned on writing this post, but its a new year and I'm trying to live more fully (which I feel means being more open and honest).  So here goes...

I have anxiety and I need to lose weight.  The weight started after I was diagnosed with AIH (autoimmune hepatitis).  What's AIH? It means my body attacks my liver and if left uncontrolled it could lead to liver failure.  I was 23 when I found out and since I was young, I didn't really think about it all that much.  I just took my meds and went for check-ups, assuming that all would be well.  Knock wood, my liver is stable.  Except, some of those meds were steroids and they wreaked havoc on my mood and body.  I gained weight and became depressed.  It sucked.

I've been on/off the steroids for nearly 15 years, which means its been hard to lose the weight.  And I've noticed these past few years I've been riddled with anxiety.  Yep, I'm an extremely anxious person now.  I get nervous, my heart beats faster, and soon I feel like I can't breathe. Its the worst.  Or my thoughts spiral out of control and frighten me to the point that I feel paralyzed with fear.  Yeah, it really sucks.  And I'm tired of it.  I've let my life be controlled by these two things for far too long. I've finally decided that enough is enough.

2017 is the year that I will tackle both of these issues head on.  I will work out and eat healthily.  I will focus on positive thinking, meditation, and pretty much anything to help calm my anxieties.  And I will succeed, because my intentions are clear this time.  Yep, I finally realized that its not just about wanting these things, its also about recognizing the fact that I deserve these things.  At 38, I recognize that I do deserve to live a healthy and full life. And, I intend to make it happen. 

"When you know better, you do better." ---Maya Angelou

This is the year I say 'yes' to myself.  I accept that its going to be hard and that its going to take time, but I'm ready for it.  I'll keep you posted on my progress - the good and the bad.  And, don't worry, this blog is still going to be about books, books, and books.  I just might throw in a personal post now and again.  

Wish me luck.